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Desolation
- the depths of despair, This pantoum ends in a couplet instead of the quatrain. See Notebook, Form, a few classics, for more pantoum information.
‘Comfortable
as an old pair of shoes’
a
familiar friend with many names.
A
visitor came from early years.
Some
childhood friends are never gone.
A
familiar friend with many names,
to
the heart so dear, there guarded still.
Some
childhood friends are never gone -
a
love/hate liaison, some call Fear.
To
the heart so dear, there guarded still,
remained
through the years, the trusted one -
a
love/hate liaison, best friend Fear.
A
loyal companion, ever there.
Remained
through the years the trusted one,
taught
Fear of Self, of Loss or Gain.
A
loyal companion, ever there
sowed
garden of weeds and watered well.
Taught
Fear of Self, of Loss or Gain,
mistrust
of life and all worthwhile.
Sown
garden of weeds was watered well,
there
no roses were allowed to grow.
Mistrust
of life and joys worthwhile,
A
Fear of Unknown, that private hell -
where
no roses are allowed to grow.
There
no beauty nor pleasure is found.
A
Fear of Unknown, a private hell -
another
side of dear old woes.
There
no beauty nor pleasure is found
where
one sits and prefers the weeds.
Another
side of dear old woes -
lifelong
resentment, finding fault.
So
one sits and complains of weeds,
blind
to blessings around. Fear of Truth
-
a
familiar friend with many names,
comfortable as an old pair of shoes.
note:There was more to be lost than gained by seriously trying to overcome the fears and panic attacks; therapy attempted once or twice was quickly dropped the moment facing the truth was near...after all, who wants to loose such a familiar friend and crutch.
To the advantage was the attention from others, manipulating the
(German) health/social system to the fullest; paid time off from work, extended vacations, doctor prescribed vacations to health resorts…a person who never felt loved enough, and whose inhibitions prevented from showing or receiving it. Strangely, an otherwise strong willed, self-righteous dominating person, whose most intimate friend is Fear. There is comforting familiarity in what one knows best, even if it brings desolation. Happiness is the Unknown and is feared.
The following poem flowed onto paper so quickly. It was another rainy day in Belgium. I was a widow of one month, barely married a year, and writing several depressing essays and poetry - a very good therapy. I wrote this one with an almost detachment, clearly picturing the man in this poem. He, dressed in a coarse, ragged appearing cape, there was a ship with, indeed, tattered sails. Later I watched a black, elaborate hearse, drawn by a black stallion with a headpiece of raven black feathers. It was in the 1700's or very early 1800's. I wrote lines, whether they made sense to me or not (and thus upon such ancient needs) some refusing to be edited, others allowing a careful hand-the symbolisim absolutely clear to me.
Escape
to Madness
From ancient days,
soul’s one desire
though
from far past, no less the fire
to
search for thy lost mirror.
Lives
long past and goal not nearer,
thy
yearning though unquenched, profound.
Thy
tears have fallen on barren ground.
For
past mistakes this life has proven
yet
much to learn from gathered burden.
Love’s
final bond with lost soul mate,
withheld
from thee by thine own fate.
And
thus upon such ancient needs,
thy
love hath planted fruitless seeds
far
beyond soul’s longing hope,
the
weight of which one cannot cope.
So
escape to private madness’ world,
thy
ship’s sails to tatters whirled;
to
soothe the desperate troubled mind,
yet
curse the failures left behind.
Regret!
Regret! Thou painful curse,
seek
silent rest within thy hearse.
Thy
final prayer; this life be last.
May
thy scales balance deeds of past.
Black
lace hath draped the stallion’s way,
Pray
final rest, thy final day.
note:
This poem is about a man who has reached desperation – unfulfilled
search for the soul mate, and so seeks escape in the world of madness, yet hopes
the current life is the last one spent in solitary suffering.
Allegories here are: ship
(soul), sails, (intent, purpose), mirror (one’s second half
or soul mate), scales or life’s balance (in reference to Karma).
(Depression, gray-black skies for days didn't help, nor a little sun a week later.)
Tempest
so oppressive
grows
wilder each hour.
Black,
possessive,
engulfing power.
Despair, never ceasing,
relentless, inhuman.
No end, no release
from this mood so consuming
~
No
frivolous departure-you
from
excess of sun and happiness.
No
excuse you are to view
forgotten tome of gothic sadness.
Be the sun so radiant,
a
greyness is carried within.
That
rain so bleakly persistent,
to my soul, it’s tears akin.